Men's Perspective: Having Sex vs. Making Love
Hello esteemed readers and welcome to LifeDatingLove, your one-stop shop for all things romantic and/or satisfying. Today, we’ll be discussing the difference between just having sex and the act of making love.
Before we get into the nitty-gritty, I’d like to establish full transparency between us by sharing something personal. Up until just recently, I couldn’t tell the difference either between making sweet love and having “regular” sex.
My partner and I mesh really well together and we’ve always had a strong sex drive, but for the first three years of our relationship, we weren’t as in sync as we could have been. You could pick any number of reasons to explain our situation…
Thankfully though, you won’t have to, since both of us being home all the time due to COVID-19 has allowed us to take advantage of the increased free time in some incredible ways. Many many ways.
Okay… But What Does Any of this Have To Do With My Sex Life?
You’re absolutely correct to think that, reader! Because these days, we want whatever information we are searching for and we want it NOW, but sometimes having this attitude can cause us to miss the point entirely. When my partner/girlfriend and I just started having sex, a lot of the time we would also be thinking of other things. Boring things. Weird things. Overthinking things.
Including if we were doing a good job and wondering what the other person was thinking. This is the worst thing to think when you’re making love.
When You’re Making Love, You’re Not in Your Head— You’re Fully Present— At This Moment
Little did we realize until much later that great sex can actually telegraph what the other person is thinking and feeling. An intimate connection between two people is probably the strongest connection on Planet Earth if the relationship is properly fostered.
Unfortunately finding a connection with someone who is not on the same page as you, can be a strange place to be. Making a deep connection almost near impossible. Whereas casual sex can be viewed as a ‘transaction,’ making love is an experience that captivates the mind, body, and soul, as long as the proper intention is present.
Does Having Sex Make Love Stronger?
Not all sex is bound to have you in your feelings and falling in love (especially if you don’t have an emotional connection or have a hard time with intimacy). And it’s difficult to give your 100% every single time you get under the sheets, I agree. What’s more important is to not settle for bad sex once you’ve had sex that’s spectacular. Good sex always wins.
In modern times with everything going on it’s natural to have your attention divided all over the place. But if you know you’re distracted then do your partner (and yourself) a favor and communicate early on, possibly even setting up another time that works best for you when you’re not worried about anything.
How Do You Know You’re Making Love?
Ensuring that both parties are on the same wavelength (or can help each other get to a warm and open place with mental or emotional foreplay) before engaging in actual sex, this will help both of you have the most sensual and satisfying sex as possible. Feeling “connected” can boost your relationship and remind each other why you got together in the first place.
Is it Just Sex or More?
Well, that depends...
Too often, one partner ends up seeing sexual activity as a chore, either because they don’t get their needs met, or because they simply don’t appreciate their partner enough, or they might have self-esteem issues, and don’t know how to let go, and be open enough to make love with their partner.
Some people don’t know how to have great sex, but you can learn how to have sex, and feel connected with your partner with care and patience.
Great Communication Leads to Even Better Sex
There’s a great need out there for conversations surrounding mutual respect, and desires during sex, but telling the person (that you love more than anyone else) that the sex you’re having is not cutting it for you can be a terrifying thought. Especially if one partner is more used to walking on a tightrope than the other.
If you’re a bit of a doormat with your partner, the most important thing to remember is this... by striving to only engage in lovemaking, you are in fact keeping your relationship more alive than if you were to give in to their demands every single time. And if you don’t feel like having sex, it’s OK to say no to your partner when it comes to having sex, or doing something else that makes you uncomfortable.
Sex and Intimacy Are Not the Same Thing
After all, a survey of 5,000 people conducted in the UK found a whopping 84% of women cheated because of a lack of emotional intimacy. While 68% of men cheated because of a lack of communication with their partner.
People Cheat for Different Reasons
And when we have sex without thinking about how much we love the person we’re with, it becomes far too easy to imagine ourselves having sex with just about anyone else or the work day tomorrow, or washing the dishes…
The true magic of the making love moment comes from knowing in your heart that your partner has chosen you and you have chosen your partner to be right here and right now. This is special.
If you choose each other, this builds a wall of trust and love and strengthens your commitment every time you take the time out to make love.
And If You Happen to Have a Fantasy About Someone Else While You’re Making Love or Having Sex…
Don’t beat yourself up over having a sexual fantasy. There’s nothing wrong with you, and it happens to almost everyone.
Now it’s time to share five signs that will help determine whether you and your partner are just having sex, or making love.
5 Signs You Are Making Love, Not Just Having Sex
Communicate your Needs and Desires with your Partner
We spoke about this briefly but it’s worth bringing up first because of the clear signal of intent that sets the tone for the interaction of having sex or making love going forward. Also worth stating is you might want your partner to be able to take a hint but some people aren’t good at reading between the lines.
Don’t be afraid to tell your partner your true desires, and share with your body and your voice to help them be less selfish and step up their bedroom game.
Relationships Get Easier When you Both Say What you Mean
Talking things out is extremely necessary so your feelings (and your partner's feelings) aren’t disregarded.
If you’re not in the mood, explain that it isn’t necessarily related to them and that maybe you just need a change of scenery or a romantic occasion to get in the mood. Foreplay. Foreplay. Foreplay.
By raising the bar of expectations, you can prevent the landslide of behavior where one person ends up feeling used or alone.
Zero Time Constraints and Undivided Attention (Difficult but Always Worth It)
Unfortunately, even when both partners are on the same page with ideas about having sex, and think they’re set enough time for each other, things happen. The baby starts crying, the dog starts barking, your mother won’t stop calling until she hears back…
Don’t Take Everything your Partner Does (or Doesn’t Do) Personally
The last thing you want to do when bumps inthe road happen is to blame your partner or hold them as a hostage, barreling through the act of having sex out of sheer stubbornness.
You are Allowed to Stop Having Sex Once You're No Longer in the Mood
It’s not ideal, and may sound ridiculous to stop halfway, especially if you had to spend all this time planning time together, but it’s silly to assume that you will still be able to bond if one (or both) of you are no longer present.
When Making Love, Focus on the Other Person’s Wants and Needs While Being in Touch with your Own Body.
For my girlfriend and I, insecurity was a big barrier to our ability to enjoy each other’s company in the moment. We found that blocking what was going on in our own heads and paying attention to the subtle changes in each other’s mood or physical disposition allowed us to experience a whole new level of connection and satisfaction.
Giving Without Expectation and Giving to Share Pleasure Leads to Great Lovemaking.
When you give freely in bed, without expecting or demanding something in return, it’s more fun. If one partner gives pleasure to his or her partner, they don’t have to reciprocate (but it sure is nice when they WANT to and don’t HAVE to).
Show Respect and Maintain Eye Contact (Even if the Sex Feels One-Sided)
Showing respect for your partner during sex goes without saying, and we would hope the readers of this content have thoroughly mastered what consent means and how it looks in practice long before they came to LifeDatingLove. Consent is King and Queen.
It’s Important to Resist the Natural Tendency to Make it All About Yourself
Especially in the heat of the moment.
Mutual respect should be prioritized in every stage of lovemaking.
Let’s say if one partner is receiving oral sex from the other, you can both share your pleasure with each other. Through eye contact, body language, breathing, and words.
Tell your partner what feels good, and use encouraging words like “I’d like it even more if you’d move things to the left” or “I like it slower,” or “It would feel so good if you moved faster.”
Show your Partner Appreciation
Thank your partner with your words, your touch, your cuddles, your hugs, your smile or even a sexy surprise note in their pocket the next day..
Let the Feelings of Lovemaking Infuse your Entire Day!
The first thing you should do after having great connected sex and even anorgasm is to show appreciation for the person who shared teh moment with you. Having a sexual climax is part of the journey that should be celebrated!
Be Positive About Your Sexual Experience
Cuddling after sex while you’re in a positive state of mind encourages you to focus on the positive qualities in your partner, essentially guaranteeing that you’ll be back in the bedroom and making love — again when the time is right.
In these times nothing is for certain, but the one thing which remains true is that if you don’t appreciate your partner you can push them away. Having a life partner is the greatest commitment anyone can make because it requires time and energy every day.
If you don’t take the time to honor your commitment, it can fade away, just like anything else. On the other hand, building up a relationship is a thrilling experience, causing all parties involved to grow in the process.
So, if it’s a choice between happiness requiring constant work, or a bland existence filled with surface-level transactions, you can take a guess at which one I’ll be picking.
Thank you for reading and be sure to subscribe below.
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