How To Tell If You Are In A Toxic Relationship Breakup

Breakups are rarely ever easy, but there’s always a different level of pain you might feel at the end of a relationship. One might even say that there are different “flavors” of a breakup.

None are enjoyable, but the truth is that some breakups are going to be worse than others. You might be wondering how do I know if I am in a toxic relationship breakup. There are signs of a toxic partnership and there are also good signs of a healthy relationship. 

Sometimes, the hurt is devastating, even if it was a toxic relationship. 

Because you were totally happy with that person and thought it’d last forever, breaking up is tough stuff even if there were warning signs of a toxic relationship. Sometimes we make excuses for bad behavior and take up for our partner even when they're displaying totally inappropriate behavior. 

Other times, the pain you feel will be because you’re genuinely scared and can’t remember what it was like to be single. You can get over a toxic man who dumped you. 

Still more times than now, you can’t really figure out why you’re grieving. 

In many of those situations, it’s because you’re dealing with a toxic relationship breakup. These are often breakups that punctuate the end of a relationship that isn’t healthy.

Sometimes, the very nature of the breakup is what makes it bad for you. But, how can you tell if your breakup is a toxic one? These signs suggest you should stay away from your ex at all costs…

You feel oddly possessive of your ex, or your ex clearly feels like you are his possession. 

This often comes in the form of one partner just refusing to accept that the relationship is over. The partner in question might act like you’re still together, try to isolate you from dates, or try to force you otherwise to be with them out of the feeling that you’re “theirs!”

In many cases, the person who feels possessive can’t even explain why. It’s usually jealousy and insecurity driving it, leading it to be a toxic dynamic. 

Everyone you told about the breakup isn’t surprised. 

Most toxic relationship breakups are not shocking to anyone, primarily because everyone can see the toll it’s taking on the two people in the relationship. If everyone looks relieved that you’re done with your ex, take it as a sign that it had to happen. 

Think about it this way. You probably have seen at least one couple that constantly argued like cats and dogs. Heck, you might have been one of the friends who lowkey said that you wanted them to break up so that you could get some peace and quiet. 

When that couple in your circle of friends finally split, were you surprised? Of course, not. If anything, you probably breathed a sigh of relief and encouraged them to take a break. There are many types of toxic relationships, and when you’re in love, it’s hard to see the signs.

The breakup hurts primarily because you were so dependent on your ex.

Codependent relationships are absolutely nightmarish because they teach you to depend entirely on one person—often losing yourself in the process. Unfortunately, that dependence makes being around them like an addiction. This, in turn, makes breaking up with them an earth-shattering, potentially traumatic endeavor. 

Sadly, it’s better to experience this than it is to stay with the person you’re codependent with.  The longer you stay together, the worse it gets. Ending toxic relationships is the best route for people who bring out the worst in each other. 

You or your ex seem to be bent on revenge. 

There is no situation where having revenge is healthy behavior. If your partner, toxic husband, (or worse, you) have been doing things to make the other person suffer, there’s something wrong. The relationship and the breakup are both toxic. 

At this point, the question of personal safety and mental health really comes into play. Revenge is one of the most dangerous signs of a toxic person. And if you wonder why am I toxic and how to change and you think you need help, contact authorities or reach out to a therapist or coach. 

After the split occurred, you realized that your ex left nothing for you.

Many of the most toxic breakups get that way because one partner totally (and often purposefully) annihilates the other party. This can be done legally, financially, or socially. In some cases, it could be the fault of the aggrieved party.  In other cases, it could be the other person’s fault. 

Either way, it’s rarely a good sign about the breakup's healthiness of the people involved in it. 

You’re in an “on-again, off-again” relationship.

This is never a good sign since it tends to denote a lot of instability in said relationship. If you’ve broken up with this person in the past, it’s often better to stay broken up. Yo-yoing your relationship will only harm your mental health.

While it may hurt to hear it, the truth is that your breakup might be toxic and should probably be your last time around with this person. Especially if you're dealing with depression after a breakup

People regularly advised you to break up with him, for either health or safety’s sake.

It’s rare to see people take a hard stance on a relationship, especially if they aren’t someone who wants to date you. People were telling you that the relationship isn’t healthy is a profound and even concerning issue.

If you regularly fielded words of concern from people, then it may be a sign that you are doing the right thing for yourself. It’s never wise to stay in a relationship so unhealthy that others get scared for you. 

You find yourself feeling relieved or better, knowing that the breakup happened.

This one is a hit or miss. Sometimes, it’s a relief knowing that you can move on with your life, even when dealing with someone you’ve amicably dumped. Other times, the relief you feel has a little darker connotations—particularly when the relief comes from getting away from the relationship in question.

A very high number of people who are dealing with a toxic relationship breakup tend to feel relief shortly after their breakup. You might suddenly realize that you no longer have to walk on eggshells to appease your ex or that you no longer have to worry about him yelling at you. It’s okay. That’d be a relief to anyone! 

Throughout the relationship, you felt like you were going crazy.

Most toxic relationships tend to have some element of gaslighting. Gaslighting is the technique an abuser uses to make someone doubt their judgment, even when they’re in the right. This can be done by denying what happened, getting rid of proof of abuse, or forcing them to agree with the abuser regardless of the veracity.

If you get gaslit long enough, you stop being able to trust in your own judgment on anything. You might even start thinking that you were the abuser, even if you weren’t. The longer you stay away from a gaslighter, the more the fog will lift. 

You find yourself making excuses for your partner or feeling pressure to downplay your partner’s behavior.

The fact that you feel you should have to explain away your ex’s behavior should make you hit the pause button immediately. If your ex’s actions were so bad that you feel a need to do damage control, there is no excuse for it. Period.

Moreover, you have to remember that your ex’s actions are not something you control. In fact, it’s not even your responsibility to cover for your ex’s behavior. If he wants to act in a way that makes his reputation suffer, that’s on him. Don’t let him blame you for the behavior that he’s totally in control of.

The breakup in question made you fear for your safety or the safety of others near you.

Sometimes, the most damning evidence regarding a breakup is how you feel. A relationship should always make you feel safe, or at the very least, not make you fear for your life. If your breakup makes you feel scared or worried about retaliation from your ex, then your breakup and your relationship are both toxic.

Should you feel you have ample reason to worry, contact an abuse hotline, and consider documenting abuse for the police to handle. You do not have to go through this alone! You can heal after heartbreak.